only if we run a train.
done.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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