wrigley field is MILF paradise
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
