I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
