Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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