I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
