Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
