um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
