Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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