I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
