I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
