i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
