Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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