I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
