Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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