my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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