batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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