My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
