I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
