I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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