One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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