I wish I could punch you in the face.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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