I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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