The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
