Just took my morning after pill in the library
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
