When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm just crazy horny about you
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
