I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
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All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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