Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Im part way to drunk.
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