We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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