On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
