the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
