My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
