i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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