I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
