did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
