Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.