You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
