I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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