I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
