were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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