i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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