I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
