i think my tv is drunk
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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