Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
