i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
