At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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