I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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