I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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