No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
