fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
