i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
