someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize