I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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