All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
