Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
