Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.