a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.