they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
