I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
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are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
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I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.