We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
