My cat gives me a boner
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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