My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
